I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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