I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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