My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
