This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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