Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
