What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
