Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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