At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Randomize
