Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
