I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
