sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize