where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize