This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
