Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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