Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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