maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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