I was born with a shot glass in my hand
im six kinds of drunk right now
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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