is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
