I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think im going to throw up on grandma
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
