You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
