I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
