I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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