after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
