Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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