i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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