If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
