fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
