you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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