i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
