I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
