Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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