Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Are we still banned from the library?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
