i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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