Where did you get a picture of my penis
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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