We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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