lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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