What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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