if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
