the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
