I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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