I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
