Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I touched a dick in church today
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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