Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
