I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
