Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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