So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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