I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize