I didn't shave. On purpose
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
A bitchslap is in order.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
