I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
