my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize