my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
