Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize