My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
50% drunk capacity currently
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Randomize
