Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Nicole vs. Life
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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