I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
