so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
