Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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