Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
