i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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