Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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