hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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