dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Found the puke drawer
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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