I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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