then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
